Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
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They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor