What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
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You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
Carpe DM
I can’t deal with men any longer
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.