Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
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Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.