Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
You Might Also Like
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
Birds & Planes.
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.