How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
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Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
Name another movie that mislead you?