me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
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Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them