Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
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Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs