Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
You Might Also Like
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises