*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
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2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
I’ve had relationships like this
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
I know a horrible idea when I see it.