Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
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I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
File under excellent bookstore names.
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
A sick whale is called an unwhale