She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
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I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
Happy birthday to all the women
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.