Hard not to take this personally
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When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.