-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
You Might Also Like
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.