I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
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SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.