*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
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I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
Ken is short for chicken
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.