Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
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Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me