It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
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What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.