[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
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Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow