You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
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*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.