My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
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As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.