online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
You Might Also Like
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both