Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
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[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”