me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
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Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
Leonardo DiCaprisun
who called it hell and not heaven’t