Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
You Might Also Like
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat