Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
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I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
My neck my back my allergy attack
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms