I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
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Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend