Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
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FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base