BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
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I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.