I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
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Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.