I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
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[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
Marrying a trad wife only to find out she is too busy creating trad wife content to cook and clean
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.