Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
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I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
Go hard or stay average
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?