Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
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TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.