When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
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Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
This made me chuckle cuz mood
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.