You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
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felt cute might bury dad later idk
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load