“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
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Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
Big Sex has us all fooled
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
Pigeon open mic night.
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.