I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
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[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
File under excellent bookstore names.
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.