So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
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“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss