walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
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P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
My whole life was a lie.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
O Wise One….
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.