I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
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Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers