COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
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A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ