Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
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How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away