What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
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[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?