*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
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you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
this is how life feels
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.