“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
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I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
The three genders.
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
Inside you there are two wolves
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.