My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
You Might Also Like
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.