roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
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If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.