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My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Oh deer
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.