I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
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Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.