My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
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Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
cats when you pet them too long:
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
i- i did not expect this
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That