Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
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“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.